Liebesbrief von Robert S.: Thanks to five seconds

Ich würde gerne ein Abschiedsgedicht in ihrer Rubrik Leute -
Liebesbriefe unterbringen. Das Problem dabei: es ist nicht
gerade kurz - 52 Strophen zu je 4 Zeilen. Ich geb es hier
mal als Anhang dazu, vielleicht findet es ja ihre Unterstützung.
   Warum wünsche ich mir das überhaupt?
Nun ja, wie aus dem Gedicht hervorgeht, geht es um einen
für mich sehr wichtigen Menschen - eine damals
vor mehr als 20 Jahren  sehr attraktive, junge Frau, die
meine Bekanntschaft machen wollte, vor der ich aber davonlief.
Jeder halbwegs gesunde Mensch würde daraus nicht unbedingt
auf seine Wichtigkeit schließen, aber es war doch anders.
   Es ist viel Zeit vergangen, und alles Träumen muß einmal ein
Ende haben, d. h. es geht um einen Abschied von einem Traum,
denn eine wirkliche Beziehung hat es nie gegeben. Aber meine
Sehnsucht und meine Trauer und daß ich fast dran zerbrochen
wäre, das ist real. Da ich ihr das nie selber sagen konnte,
möchte ich es zumindest auf diese Weise publik machen.
Da dies alles in Wien passiert ist, wäre dies natürlich die richtige Seite!
MfG R. S.

My hearts already broken
When I was a little child.
It took five seconds to be awoken,
Five seconds to grow wild.

I thought I had a morning,
but my heart was bound in chains
To an ever-lasting mourning
And the pain – it still remains.

I thought I was not worth of treasure,
So my heart screamed out in silence,
Choked by despair far out of measure
On a cruise of sui-violence.

An eye-glimpse of five seconds
Has failed to steam the frost.
It only took five seconds
And my heart has gonna lost.

In twenty years I haven't found
My heart again – for ever gone.
It does not help – the world is round,
That there could be another sun.

'Cause I'm still caught in deepest blindness
And ever thought that You could heal,
'Cause what I saw was purest kindness,
A promise of unpoisened meal.

But I regret, I'm one of those
Who have unlearned to look with trust.
I see each thorn in every rose.
In every glare I see the dust.

On my comet's flight You were one station,
A dazzling cute and warming grace.
You caused a tiny aberration
and I went on to outer space.

Unhoped my world was filled with light,
Inflaming me with burning flaws.
I was so thrilled, I was in fright
And humbled by inertial law.

In the wrong time I did feel the surge
Of sympathy that left me charmed.
At the wrong place I did go in search
And hoped to stumble into your arms.

One heart's humble to make it live,
But kept on running lightyears further.
One only try I dared to give,
Now that I fled it turned to murder

Of all the goodness that You 've spent,
My goddess, You, my shimmering star.
Oh, what a madness that I went
And left behind You cold and far.

So I drift on through the lonesome space
- I know my guilt for this pain's lorry -
And curse my eyes which killed your face,
Damned for ever to say sorry.

I hardly cannot stand the crime
Of the pitilessly moving hand
That we can't turn back the time
For to make it better then!

Thanks to You that You bent down.
You seemed to me a Christmas child
Descending from transcendant town
For sending scents so sweet and mild,

Opening wide my long-gone buried
Monster-filled and pain-struck past,
A cesspool that I've ever carried
With no idea where I'd been cast.

Five seconds and I thought I'm saved,
But they just got a trip through hell
On a lonesome road completely paved
With thorns of twenty years fairwell.

Thanks to You for those five seconds,
Those virtual photons gone so fast.
Thanks to You for those five seconds.
My yearning will for ever last.

Please forgive me my behaviour,
You smiled at me and I looked through.
A blind man can't see any savior,
But that I'm heartless, that's not true!

I only live in awful fear
That I stand naked on a stage
At mercy of them wounding jeers
I knew so well in children's age.

So what to do, I lay my head
And cry my lonely tears once more
About the love I could have had
I thought that I was not worth for.

What for this staying sad remembering?
What sense in walking day by day
Two hundred fourty months December and
Five seconds of a single May?

But I can't help, I can't forget,
Buzzed all around with all these voices
'You could have done it, could have met!'.
A sick soul but leaves you no choices.

It would have been so nice to care,
So nice to get a warm embrace,
So nice to make a walk down where
The songs of birds light up the space,

So nice to make some things together,
To hold each other in our arms,
To go with You through every weather,
To find relief for every harm

- In times of working, times of leisure -
Comfort You when You 're down and sad,
So nice to share with You all pleasure,
To stroke You, tease You, make You glad,

So nice to build a home as pair,
So nice to see your look of grace,
To glide my fingers through your hair
And to caress your hopeful face.

So nice to listen when You tell
How You got on, what You did see,
To ring with You the Christmas bell
And lay my gifts beneath the tree,

So nice to travel hand in hand
Through the landscapes of our souls and minds,
So nice the vision of one land,
Adorned with all our Yours and Mines.

It would have been so nice to learn
From You what love ist all about,
How to survive when you just burn
And not to glow just up and out.

My heart, it sighs and can't stop crying
Because of all these 'could-have-beens'.
They should have lived, but they went dying
And all that stayed are toothless dreams.

Nice dreams, I know – they've turned to ashes,
My stubborn hope unlearned to fly.
My life seems like a slope of crashes
With victims that don't wanna die.

And I'm not sure, if I would find You,
Would I just stand to face the truth
Of what You 've left just far behind you
And what survived your long-gone youth.

And I still wonder where You 're walking.
I want to know the streets You go.
The moon I howled at was not talking
'bout all these things I 'll never know.

Of course, maybe the only love
I dare to live is of that kind:
A fish's dream of a bird above
Imaginated in his mind

Beyond all spheres where I can argue
And cast a stain into your sky,
Just washed all clean by cries „Where are you?“
A sunny bird that flies too high.

But some birds, they do eat some fish
Who gasps for breath so wretchedly,
And so concerned to save my wish
I thought I had to snatch it deep,

Possessed by a lunatic drive
To wait amidst my inner ocean
For that my bird has learned to dive
To bring to me her sky's emotions,

Not beware of my soul's sickness,
Split in two like street and gutter,
Straying through my ocean's thickness,
Arch-enemies to one another,

And one felt threatened by his vision,
My face snuffed out by red high-heels
Which bored their way without contrition,
And I bound tight for not to steal

Away from this hallucination,
Concealed in deep unconsciousness,
Raping all my love's sensation.
What all must happen to cause this?

So I did flee though wished to meet You.
I did repulse You like a fiend.
You touched me softly and I did beat You.
A mad man killed a fairy queen.

And kicked away all loving grace
Just to commit the perfect crime -
No corpse, no shadow of a trace,
All covered by the dust of time.

But You live on deep in the tomb
Of my heart's yearning to replace
All this virtual living's gloom
Just by the look of your real face.

That's my bequest, I put it here
At this sad place where all begun,
All soaked with seas of flowing tears
That You could not dry, my sun.

And I don't ask what comes hereafter,
Stuck to the past with contact glue.
I can't imagine there comes laughter.
What can just happen after You?

And once the sky, the waves stand still
The day when all will be forgotten,
All pain and glory, wish and will,
And our bodies – dead and roen.


I will go on to save my tale
A tale of fairy,
Tale of woe
Of an angel's eyes that promised luck,

The eternal story: female, male.
Till the end of time
My heart will glow
By the lights of love
I've suddenly struck.

Yes, I go on through day and night,
Through rain and snow,
Through noise and calm
Till the point of my extinguished world

And fly my love by a purple kite
From a friendly neck
To embracing arms
Of a long-haired, blond
- Astonishing girl.

                          R. S.


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